forwardspero

I experienced my worst depression during the time of my life when I was supposed to be most fulfilled, according to society at least. Pregnancy and thereafter. Depression grips the mind. It's a feeling of nothingness overwhelmed by scary thoughts and covered with the blackest blanket that blacks out all light. Sometimes scary thoughts are of suicide, sometimes of living. Maybe suicide could stop the depression demon, but it would also stop everything else. Living is the only reason to stop the demons, or at least to try to quiet them. Sometimes choosing to live is a nightmare because the demons feel suffocating. But how can we find our purpose if we don't choose to face those demons and loosen their grip, even if it takes the rest of time. Isn't it that facing of our demons what shows us who we truly are? Finding a way to climb out of the darkness and face those demons is true strength. Sharing our darkness to help others is courage. Helping one in darknes

Have you ever considered what your deepest fear is? What most scares you...more than anything in the world... Mine is failure. And that is why depression was so easily able to clench its jaws around my mind and soul after I became pregnant. I felt like a failure every time I breastfed at one point, which was every couple hours, because my little one got teeth early and it was so painful that I'd cry each time. I felt like a failure for being unwed, and not wanting to marry his father, though I'd accepted his proposal. I felt like a failure for being unhappy, but didn't know why I was so unhappy. I felt like a failure for not losing weight quickly, because breastfeeding is supposed to be the  fix. I felt alone, because my relationship was failing before I was pregnant and hadn't gotten better and no one else I knew was pregnant/I was the black sheep for being unwed. I felt like a failure for eating to cope, but I needed to eat more because he was breast

I love chocolate. Like in elementary when people say "Well if you love it so much, why don't you marry it?!?"...I would if that was a thing... But that's besides the point, I love chocolate to the point where if I can eat it with every meal I'm excited about the day. If I don't have any, I get moody. I especially love "triple chocolate" things, specifically ice cream...it's unhealthy, we all know it. I think about chocolate all the time. I just ate my yogurt for breakfast, and then ate the chocolate pudding that's for after dinner simply because it looked good. I wasn't hungry, and I don't feel good that I ate it, but I enjoyed it while it was happening... The worst part is that I ate it with chocolate chip cookies that I made yesterday...see my point? Now as I type, I'm thinking about puking because my stomach is upset from all that sugar I didn't need. I have a problem, and I need to work on it. But how do you give