Loneliness.

Personally, one of the hardest parts of postpartum depression was the loneliness. I was never not holding a newborn, but consistently felt so miserably lonely. 

A deafening silence around me that caused my mind to scream that I was failing. I was basically a single parent (even though his dad and I were still together at the time) and needed a friend...or whiskey I thought, but alcohol really isn't a friend I've found and certainly solves no problems. 

My son wasn't my friend, since all newborns do is cry, eat, poop, and sleep; they’re not great company.  His father loved me, but didn't know about the mental minefield I was navigating or my disdain for him every time he went out and I stayed in (which was often throughout my pregnancy/postpartum days), which meant he wasn't much of a friend either.

After a few months, I knew that as much as I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, my relationship with his father was failing and I needed adult interaction so there was no way I could pull it off.

That created a lot of flack from some of my family members, who think it's my job to just be a mom once I've got a kiddo. Yet again, couldn't talk about my feelings because I was already in the doghouse.

So I went back to school to pursue knowledge and a career, thinking maybe that'd help my depression, and finally felt like I had purpose, even if it was just to learn and pass a class. Having to adhere to a schedule other than that of a 4 month old gave me a sense of reality again. I made a couple friends, but no one ever got to be close to me. I didn't want people to know I was severely depressed.

Somehow, I couldn't even really tell you, I started to come out of my depression and feel more like me. Though five years later, I'm not healed from all those thoughts but they come less often.

As I made the slow recovery from ppd, I realized I still often felt and continue to feel alone. 

I think largely because of the stigma that surrounds mental health issues. 

Then, I couldn’t tell people I hated every single breath I took as a new mom, because being a new parent is supposed to be so fun...(insert eye roll). I couldn’t tell people I was depressed because I was worried they would want to take my baby from me. I couldn’t tell people I had thoughts of harming myself, then they would definitely want to take my baby. And I certainly couldn’t tell someone I’d had thoughts of harming my child...dark, terrifying thoughts...but I learned over time that those aren't uncommon. And are the very reason "shaking baby syndrome" is a thing...I wasn't alone...but I didn't see that. 

I cried every time my child nursed, which made things worse. 

I was incessantly overwhelmed with crying and dark thoughts, and had no one to share that breathtaking sadness with...so I suffered silently.

I kept going every day because of this sweet, tiny baby who had done me no harm and needed me to keep him alive. But I resented everyone and everything.

Now, I have a hard time telling people I don't want another child because I'm scared of ppd. Though, I've found it gets easier to talk about ppd the more you do it, and people want to listen, to know they aren't alone. I also find it hard to find people who care much about mental health in general. (maybe part of that is due to my geographical location being in the fly-over states)

For my own mental health, staying home wasn't going to happen. I've found that I love my child more than anything or anyone, but LORD have mercy, there are times when I just can't. Times when I need to do things and say things adults do with adults, and I've found that I can do that where I work.

I cry a lot. Especially when Aunt Flo shows her glorious face.
But I've learned that writing it all down is so good for my soul, and helps me to think things out.

I feel lonely commonly, as I'm still a single mom trying to figure out my mental health. Dark thoughts creep in pretty loudly sometimes, so I shine them out with my favorite music, maybe a dance party, and a little affection from my baby. Who's far from a baby, by the way.
I also have found a man who loves me and my imperfect mind, he helps a lot.

As I began to write this post, I was having a distressing morning and the only thing I could think was how crowded my loneliness felt. Like I had no space for myself in all my thoughts.

So I'd encourage you to find your people, the ones you can share those thoughts with. Start journaling. Find ways to express yourself. Create space for you. Find hope, move forward.

→forwardspero

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