Parenting.

Once upon a time (2016) I wrote about parenting and still believe this to be true...

I've come to this realization that there's something beautifully savage about the gift of being a parent.

Let me explain. 

One day you find out you're going to be a parent and it's the scariest moment ever, but also  very exciting. If you're from a family like mine, it's more scary than exciting because you've "done it all wrong" by being pregnant out of wedlock...but that's a different story. 

Skip through 10 months because if you do the math, 9 months is 36 weeks, but a "healthy pregnancy" is 40 weeks...not sure why that's such a big discrepancy, but yet again that's another rabbit trail. 

You're in the hospital, hopefully with loved ones close by, and after hours of blood, sweat, and pain you're a parent. As the mother you're blessed to hold your new child first, if it's healthy enough. And it's some of the most emotional few minutes you'll ever have. Tears of joy will likely pour from your eyes as you stare at this perfectly imperfect human being you've created that lies in your arms. 

Fast forward a few years. 

There's so many ups and downs in parenting, especially in the early days when that sweet child just won't sleep. 

You love your child, but there are days when you just need a break. 

It's the tiresome, stressful, dramatic, tear-filled, fussy baby days that make you question your sanity. 

But all the sudden, while you are doing chores your child says "I love you too, mommy" out of the blue, while they run around half naked throwing things and racing their toy cars on everything but the ground like you've asked 100 times. 

In that moment, your soul smiles and you know that child is embodying everything beautiful in this world. 

You can't help but pray for them at night, that they'll know strength in adversity. Hope in all the times of despair he will face. Love in times of hate. Peace in war. But if his calling is to be a protector that they will too be protected by those who love him, and those who are strangers. Because who will guard the guards?  You pray they will have the inner audacity to be true to God and themselves first, as that is the only way to know happiness. 

You realize that the savage part of parenting is that you're an adult now, but one day your child will be also. You can protect them now, while they are young. But one day, you won't be there to watch every move and you'll have to trust that you've raised them well enough to go into this crazy world and do good things. You realize that all the things that drove you crazy about your parents, are totally understandable. Your parents love you and want what is best for you, and you get it now because you feel the same about your child.

You know though, that there's so much darkness in this world. 

People will kill because you don't believe the way they do.
People will shoot you for looking at them wrong at a stoplight. 

People will look at you funny for having ink all over your body.

People will offer your child drugs, probably before the age of 10. 

People will say things and subject your children to hearing and watching things you don't want them to see or hear at a young age. 

People will do anything to benefit themselves, even if it harms your sweet child. 

And the worst part, the savage part, is that you can't stop it. 

Though you may try and try and try again, God bless you for trying. 

You realize that it may be years in the future, but it's heartbreaking even now to know the darkness they will face. 

So what do you do? 

As a parent, do you move to a new area where hopefully there is less violence, and less drug access? 

Do you just trust that you'll raise them well enough to "Just say no?"

What do you do?
How can you find peace in the face of the daunting nightmare that is this world today? 

I don't know. 

I can only hope that my son will know love, and that love endures all things. Love will find a way to crawl out of the darkness and overcome the barriers which he will face. 

I can only hope that he will be a light in the darkness. 

I can only hope that I will be his light in this darkness.

I can only hope that he will be blessed by me, as I am by he. 

I can only hope. 

And pray.